Smart Cops……..

These are comments taken off police car videos around the country:

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Just how large were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”

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WHY………..

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…. do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

….. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

….. do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

….. do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

DON’T QUOTE ME………

Silhouette and silhouette pngOn September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss US A contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
— A congressional candidate in Texas .
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”
— A l Gore, Vice President
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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .”
— Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca
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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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“Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

EVER WONDER?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?  Why don’t  they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe,  why do they call the airport the terminal?

DID I READ THAT RIGHT?

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“TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T
WORK)

 

TODAY’S BITCH

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I was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London.  Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocked on the window.  I rolled it down.

“Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they’re asking for a £100 million ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” I asked.

The man replied, “Roughly a litre.”

 

Visit Amazon http://www.amazon.com/dp/1484893786/

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INNER BITCHISMS

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 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

Really? Ya think?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May Last Awhile

Ya think?

Visit Amazon http://www.amazon.com/dp/1484893786/

More I.Bs from the acidic truth-teller are waiting here www.howiexiledmyinnerbitch.com